Liberating Losses: When Death Brings Relief

By Chris McGonigle and Jennifer Elison

Book Overview

When someone close to us dies, the world-our relatives, acquaintances, and society at large-expects us to grieve. Of course, as taboo as it is to admit or talk about, not every death brings with it overwhelming or exclusive sadness. Labeled a "nontraditional grief response" by therapists and counselors, a measure of relief or even happiness is far more common than the clinical description would have us believe. Sometimes we are relieved that our loved one is no longer suffering; at the other end of the spectrum, a death might finally free us of an abusive or unhappy relationship. In either case, feeling any measure of relief breeds guilt and, in turn, continued silence. Jennifer Elison and Chris McGonigle have experienced the discomfort and shame of mixed relief firsthand. In this groundbreaking book, they share their own and others' stories, compassionate clinical analysis, and pragmatic counsel with other disenfranchised survivors. Shedding light on feelings that many deem insensitive, callous, or even strange, and suggesting ways to come to terms with them, Elison and McGonigle generously validate the reaction so many feel obliged to hide, ultimately relieving the corresponding guilt with which so many are burdened.For more information, please visit the authors' website: www.liberatinglosses.com

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0738209481
• ISBN13: 9780738209487
• Release Date: April 2004
• Publisher: Balance
• Length: 240 Pages
• Weight: 0.65 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.7" x 6.2" x 9.4"

Customer Reviews

Losses Not Covered

This book was very interesting and held some useful information. However, a large amount of the lessons and information pertained to the authors' personal stories and the issues dealing with marital partners, former and present. I would have liked to had a little more information on dealing with the losses of parents, siblings, friends, etc., with whom people have a bad relationship and how the survivors deal with those losses. But I do recommend the book if for no other reason than it says out loud what many people are afraid to say - that often times death is a relief to those left behind.

"Go ahead.....smile.....it's over"

A refreshing book that illuminates the concept that not all people experience grief at the death of family members. The dynamics of a relationship, whether spousal or parental, and individual perspectives will mold the emotions of the survivor. Society should not anticipate all survivors to be sorrowful grievers. After years of difficult dynamics, then managing her caregiving in her last years of life, I knew I wouldn't be grieving for her. Upon her passing there was a temporary spell of bond-breaking, but relief quickly set in. This book came into my hands about 2 weeks after my mother passed, confirming what I already knew and felt. My mom was finally "happy," I was a lot freer, and I wasn't crazy. Some friends have understood my perspective, but quite a few people can't believe I don't miss my mother. Nor will I miss my father when he goes. I suspect the concept of "liberating losses" will become widely accepted among Boomers. E.A. Davis, author, Waiting for Wings: Accompanying a Parent to the Edge of Life]]

A pioneering work

I found this book to be extraordinary in its insights, generous in the honesty of its authors and unique in the permission it offers so many troubled grievers to feel what others may regard as "unacceptable" feelings. Because I often work with people grieving the loss of their pets, I am particularly interested in and sensitive to the needs of "disenfranchised" grievers. In my work as a hospice bereavement counselor, I've certainly encountered a number of widows and widowers who were consumed with guilt because they felt so liberated and free instead of sorrowful and lonely (as their families and friends expected them to feel) when their spouses died. I think the impact of this book will be enormous, and I am grateful to both these authors for having the courage, the discipline and the collaborative effort it must have taken to write it. (As one who's authored some books and articles of my own, I know how challenging it can be to collaborate with another writer!) Thank you, thank you, thank you for producing such an important work! I am more than pleased to recommend this book to my clients as well as my bereavement colleagues, and I have already taken the liberty of listing it on the Links page of my own Grief Healing Web site, at http://griefhealing.com/HumanLossLinks.htm -- under the (newly created, thanks to this pioneering work!) category of DEATH THAT BRINGS RELIEF.

Valuable resource

I found this book to be both interesting and helpful. The authors are generous in describing their own experiences with loss, and they provide a framework for all of us who have lost someone and found ourselves experiencing relief as well as sadness. This book will be a good resource for anyone who is having mixed feelings about a loss. I especially like the format of the book, with Elison and McGonigle weaving their stories through the text. They have struck a good balance of storytelling (their own and others) and research on a topic that is usually kept hidden.

A good book on "nontraditional" grieving

Not many books exist to help people suffering from nontraditional grief responses, so I was really happy to find this. The subjects covered in the book include the loss of someone with whom you had a difficult or abusive relationships, the relief felt by primary caregivers when the person they were caring for dies, and how to resolve issues you may have had with a dead person.The book deals a lot more with the relief often felt after a long illness than other topics, and it seems to focus on husband-wife dynamics more than anything else. I wish they had explored some other types of relationships, like parent-child, more, and I recommend another book in addition for children grieving a difficult parent, but the book was very helpful.